Review: Know My Name by Chanel Miller

Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I was a little hesitant to read this book. I already find I'm too overwhelmed with the news, and already so upset by what's happening in the world. I knew about this story, was angered by it, and did I really need all the details? And yet, I also felt a need to hear this story, because victims deserve to be more than a description in a news story. When I saw that it was available at the library, I put the audiobook on hold. There was a long waiting list, but it became available fairly quickly. Once I started the book, I understood why. Very hard to put down once you start.

This book is amazing. It's about much more than Chanel Miller's assault. This event was the catalyst for her writing and the journey through the legal system that put her life on hold for more than a year. But along the way, in this book, she tells us not only what she went through, but also observes what women in general must endure when walking down the street, when finding themselves in uncomfortable situations, when they're trying to navigate the world after an assault. She delivers her analysis with a laser sharp focus of how the world treats women.

Her explanation of catcalling is one of the best descriptions I've ever read. I wish I could present this to the teenage boys I work with, who claim that telling strangers in random places that they're beautiful is a compliment - seemingly clueless as to why this feels more like a threat to the recipient. It's an argument we have on a regular basis, not made any better when the boys turn to a girl and say, you'd appreciate it, right, is someone you didn't know walked by you at the mall and said, "You look good." And the girl, wanting to show the boy how cool and not feminist she is, says, "yeah, it wouldn't bother me." Alas, I remain the crazy, angry feminist who knows nothing of how the real world works.

I would listen to this book on my way to work in the morning, and sometimes during my planning period, if my classroom was empty, which meant the story was very much on my mind once my students entered the classroom. As we they were working on their art projects, and talking about life in general, I would mention the book. I was heartened to hear some of the comments from the boys in my class, and their disgust with what had happened. They were adamant that men shouldn't act like that, even if someone was drunk, so hearing things like this give me hope. I liked that this book did provide me with a way to discuss topics like this with them.

Throughout the book, Miller reflects on other news events and the way these events are perceived by the public and the media. We very much live in a culture that devalues women, and women's experiences, wanting always to provide excuses for men and others in privileged positions. Her own experiences have allowed her to view these events through the lens of someone with first hand experience with the media, law and public perception.

I think one of her most astute observations though was when she said, instead of everyone saying of victims, why didn't they report, she now feels, after going through this experience, "why would they?" She explains that she was in a position in which she could pursue this case - she was through with school, she was in an okay financial position, her family and boyfriend were supportive, she lived near the court house. But a lot of people don't have that, they have school, or jobs, or children that depend on them. They can't take off work or fly across the country and deal with the frequent rescheduling and long, drawn out process of the legal system. In Miller's case, there were multiple witness who saw the actual assault, there was ample evidence, and she reported within 24 hours, and still it was a long drawn out case which turned her life upside down. Even after all she went through, and her assailant still being found guilty on three charges, all he got was three months in jail - her medical expenses - including the $1,000 visit to the hospital on the night of the assault - weren't even covered. Technically, he was supposed to pay, but he was unemployed so it would have to be a payment plan, and most likely, they would find a way to get out of it. So what does a person gain by reporting they were raped? What if there weren't witnesses, what if they weren't able to gather evidence at the scene of the crime?

Such a powerful book, one I'm going to think about and talk about for a long time. I wish everyone would read it, especially those who don't understand what women go through on a daily basis. I sort of want to buy multiple copies and hand them out to encourage people to read them. This book is so important. I'm really glad I decided to listen to it. And the audio version is read by the author, adding another element of strength to this story.

Also, I loved that she turned to art as a means of healing. For much of my life, I'd planned to be an art therapist. Instead, I'm a high school art teacher, but I see the value of art daily and was glad to hear that Miller felt it was beneficial in the healing process.

Miller is an excellent writer, and comes from a family of writers, I imagine there will be much more from her to be read in the future.


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Review: Spark of Light by Jodi Picoult

Such an important and timely story, and I'm so glad an author with Picoult's clout chose to tell it.

This tells the story of the people working at a women's health clinic when they're attacked by a "pro-lifer" wanting to avenge his daughter who had an abortion. (As the story progresses, you realize his daughter didn't even have an abortion there, but that's what he thinks when he shows up and starts shooting.)

I thought Picoult did a good job of showing what everyone was going through - the doctors, nurses, office staff, as well as the patients, and the police officers outside. I also realize that she was making an effort to show all side of the story and claim that the pro-lifers aren't really evil. That's nice and all, but it's a little difficult to convince me there's any good in anyone who feels women shouldn't be allowed to control what happens to their own body. But respect to the author for making that extra effort to try and claim they don't really want to control women.

Anyway, I was glad to see that the author was showing the necessity of abortion clinics and how they work to help women. These people are putting their lives at risk every day so that someone else can live the life they want. She went into the different reasons why people - the doctors and patients - found themselves in these situations. These women aren't there because they're selfish, they're doing what they think is best at this point in their lives.

I didn't love the way in which the story was written, going back an hour with each chapter. It made the story feel a bit repetitive because we already know what's happened to a lot of the people. I know the purpose is to reveal more about each character, but it made it too easy to set the book down. Also, there's a bit of a twist in the story involving the nurse, and it's there for shock effect, and I know Picoult's books tend to have something like that in them. But I didn't like it, it felt very unnecessary and a little confusing. There's an even bigger twist involving some of the other characters. That part, I thought was interesting. In the end though, what you realize is there are so many people living lives they didn't want because of accidental or unplanned pregnancies. They did what they felt they should and brought the unplanned child into the world, and in doing so, had to give up their own dreams and plans. Even if their lives turned out okay, it wasn't the life they'd wanted, and years later, they find themselves in a constant state of disappointment, missing the life they gave up in order to bring a child into the world.

Overall though, a very good book providing a lot to think about.

I received a copy via NetGalley.

Book recommendations - comforting/empowering reads

I'll get right to the point: I'm very much a feminist, and quite liberal, and on some topics, I'm even something of a radical. So, I was a bit shocked and horrified when I began to see tweets in my feed supporting ideas that I find, well, horrible. Who the hell was I following that would re-tweet this kind of trash into my timeline?

Alas, it was a romance writer whose books I've read and bought in the past. I immediately unfollowed the author on twitter, went to facebook and unliked her fan page. Mostly though, I was feeling kind of disgusted for having spent money on her books. Sad about the time I'd spent reading her books.

That same day, not too long after I noticed this, I saw quite a few other people commenting on it. Clearly, I wasn't the only person upset - for me, this is the benefit of twitter, knowing others feel the same. Turns out she wasn't the only author expressing some rather icky opinions. I wasn't familiar with the other authors, but suffice it to say, I won't be reading any of their work. I very much appreciate the book bloggers who put together a list of authors to avoid.

Maybe a writer's political opinion doesn't bother some readers. That's fine. No judgement. But for me, I feel like the way a person thinks will reflect in their work. Also, time and money are limited and I don't want to be wasting either on people who hold beliefs I find abhorrent. There are so very many books out there to read. Right now, I've got 871 books on my "to-read" list, and that isn't even counting the hundreds of free kindle books I've gotten from amazon. It only makes sense that I would choose to focus my reading time and money on people I don't mind supporting.

I don't think it's a random coincidence that most of the authors I love tend to hold similar beliefs to mine. Their work resonates with me for a reason.

Now to the point of this blog post. I felt like a I directed a lot of energy toward "authors to avoid" last week. But now, I want to direct some attention to authors I love. These days, a lot of us need an escape into fiction, and these are a few of the books and authors I recommend for that. The following are books I consider to be comfort/empowering reads.

One of the books I keep thinking about lately is Jennifer Bernard's Set the Night on Fire. The story is very relevant to one of the big stories that has been dominating the news lately - except on more of a small town political level - not the Supreme Court. The first time I read this was in July of 2017 - and I feel almost certain there was a similar news story happening at the time, but I don't remember the details, only that after I read the book I thought, "It's so nice to read a story in which the corrupt, bad politician gets what he deserves." I recommended the book to all of my friends at the time. Now, it seems appropriate to do so again. I thought Bernard did a great job at showing what a woman goes through in keeping a secret like that, believing she needs to protect her family, and knowing the risks associated with coming forward. Also, Jennifer Bernard writes the best contemporary romances. I don't read a lot of that genre, but I try to read everything she writes. Her books are so good, really sexy, with great story lines and interesting characters.

Paranormal romance tends to be more my thing. My favorite author in that genre is Michele Hauf. Her books, set in her Beautiful Creatures world are often my escape when the real world is too much to handle. The one I'm going to recommend now though is called An American Witch in Paris. I liked the way Hauf directly addressed issues such as feminism and consent. It felt very relevant. Besides all of that, the story is exciting - they're saving the world from falling angels - and very sexy.

Another great romance that I have read recently is Pas de Deux by Wynter S.K. I hadn't heard much about the book, but the description intrigued me. I don't know much about the author, this is the only book of hers I've read - but I thought she did a great job of showing people realistically dealing with trauma and its effects - both mental and physical. And it is one of the most beautiful love stories I've read in a while. Really wonderful book about a couple who have to endure a lot before they can get to a point where they are truly honest with each other.

My next recommendation is a favorite of mine. I read it every October. Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness is the perfect fall read - witches and vampires, libraries filled with magic, history and science - it's all there. It's a story about discovering that love looks beyond differences and long-held prejudices, and families are built on much more than blood connections. Once you read that book, you'll want to read the whole trilogy.

My last recommendation, because I felt like I should have five books, is City of Darkness, City of Light by Marge Piercy. This one, unlike my other recommendations, isn't a romance. It's a story about the French Revolution that focuses on the women involved. These days, we're kind of bombarded by stories of horrible things happening to women, and it might help to read about women trying to claim a bit of power in shaping the direction of their country.

Those are what I could think of right off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll think of others as soon as I post this.

I've attempted to hyperlink the book titles to amazon because that's where I tend to buy books, but I have no affiliation with them. 

Review: An American Witch in Paris by Michele Hauf

I have read a lot of books by Michele Hauf, (32 books, counting this one, according to Goodreads) and I've liked them all, loved many of them, but this one, this may be my favorite. It's possible that I say that after every new book by this author, but only because it's true.  This book has everything I always love about her books - great characters, interesting story line, fascinating magic, beautiful imagery and sexy, steamy romance - and then taken up to the next level. Tuesday may be my favorite out of all the wonderful characters in Hauf's Beautiful Creatures world. And have I mentioned, this story is so, so sexy? Reminded me a bit of Hauf's Paris Secrets erotica series that she writes under the name Michele Renae.

The women Hauf creates are always strong and independent, that is a big part of why I enjoy her books. These women can take care of themselves, and they're powerful - literally - but they're able to fall in love, absolutely and completely, while still holding onto their power and that's something that I find very appealing in a romance novel. In this particular book though, I feel like Hauf went a step further, giving us this character of Tuesday, a centuries old witch who has devoted much of her life to helping other women, because as history has shown us, that's what witches did. There's a line in the book that says, "Feminism was her right" and when I read that, I knew immediately that Tuesday was going to be one of my favorite characters. While a lot of romance authors write characters who are clearly feminist in their actions, I feel too often they're afraid to use the word. Not the case with Tuesday.

Another aspect of this story that I really loved was the dynamics of Tuesday and Ethan's sexual relationship. There is something so very sexy about Ethan asking, "May I?" Yes, explicit consent is sexy! There's something very mature and respectful about their relationship. They both know exactly what they're doing. Both of these characters have been around for a long time, they've seen a lot over the centuries and they're a bit jaded about the idea of love, but wonderfully philosophical about sex. "It's about finding yourself in someone else, yet not getting lost there." That quote was one of my favorites, but I highlighted so many lines in this book. The talk of "worlds." Another favorite, "I'll share myself with you, lover. But let's never take ownership."

And the visuals Hauf creates. Her descriptions always make me want to get out my sketchbook and attempt to draw what she'd described. Sometimes it's amazing fairy wings, but in this book, it was Ethan at the window of his Paris apartment, drinking Scotch. I could see that so clearly and it was beautiful.

Besides the romance, there's also a rather tense story line about stolen codes that could bring about the end of the world, and trying to find the demon who took those codes - which is the entire reason Tuesday and Ethan are together. Then there's the appearance of an former spouse and a deadly curse. Pretty much everything you need for a great book.

This book felt very relevant and important in the current landscape. This is the story of a vampire and a witch trying to prevent a demon from destroying the world, but it's also about two very powerful people, who realize they have to look beyond the horrors they've experienced in the world to save each other - because somewhere along the way, they've become a part of each other's world.

I highly recommend this book. If you like hot, sexy vampire/witch stories, you want this book.

I received a copy of this book via Netgalley.

Review: Daughters of the Night Sky by Aimie K. Runyan

As soon as I heard about this book, I knew I had to read it. Female pilots in the Red Army during WWII - that sort of satisfies everything I love in a book: strong women, Russian history, WWII setting.

For the most part, I loved this book. It drew me in immediately. The story is about a pilot, Katya, who was training to be a pilot before the war started. She then joins the Red Army and is part of group of women who became known by the Germans as "Night Witches" because they bombed German camps at night. I know nothing about piloting or navigating planes, but felt this story described the process well enough that I understood what was happening, without feeling overwhelmed with details.

One aspect of the book that I especially enjoyed was seeing how women were treated and how they handled finding themselves in what had previously been considered men's roles. Despite Stalin's support, they still had to deal with men not comfortable with seeing women being treated as equals. These were complex characters, with families and fears and ambitions, as well as insurmountable courage.

The action scenes are well written and exciting. Every time I picked this book up, I had a tough time putting it down. I was reading in the morning before work and during my lunch breaks, always dreading having to put the book away.

I read the entire last half in one sitting. And I continued to love the book, heartbreaking though parts of it were, up until near the end. As the story was progressing, the war was ending, and I was feeling hopeful for these characters, even after all the losses they'd suffered, and then something happened that upset me, that seemed unnecessary. I'm being vague because I don't want to spoil it for other readers - because even though I didn't like what happened, you all need to read this book.

Because this was based on true events, I thought at first that maybe the author had based this character on a real person so the author had no choice. But the author's note said the characters were fictional, and that she took liberties with the end, which was supposed to be a happy ending of sorts, but annoyed me. Sometimes, I think authors do things like this because they think it makes the story more serious or edgy. I don't know, maybe I just read too many books that have guaranteed happy endings. And as I said, this does have a happy ending, but not the one I had hoped for. The fact that I'm still so upset about this, two days after finishing the book, shows how well-developed these characters and this story was. I loved these characters and my heart is broken for them. I may as well admit, I cried through the last few chapters of this book, I felt that attached to this story. 

Anyway, I think this is a really great book. I highly recommend it if you are interested in stories set during WWII, and/or stories about interesting, strong women.

I received a copy of this via Netgalley. 

Review: My Life on the Road by Gloria Steinem

This book is so good. Gloria Steinem is one of my heroes, and reading this was like being able to hang out with her and listen to her stories. That's what this book is, a collection of stories of her life experiences, focusing on travel.

As someone who travels, I was especially looking forward to this book. Her travels though are mostly within the U.S. - mine tend to be outside of the country. She writes about how going to new places, working with different people has taught her about life and influenced her work. She also shares stories about her work for women's rights, as well as some personal stories about her time with her friends.

I was sad when the book was over, I wanted to read more because I'd thoroughly enjoyed what I did read. Hoping Steinem has many more stories to tell.

Review: The Light of Paris by Eleanor Brown

The Light of Paris by Eleanor Brown is what I consider to be the book of the summer. The book provides the perfect escape to Paris at the turn of the century, a bit of romance, and even more so a strong story about a woman discovering who she is and what she needs, rather than what everyone expects her to be.

I liked this book a lot. After having spent a week in Paris, upon returning, I binge read books set in Paris. It's my way of extending the trip, if only in my mind.  Was very happy when I got approved for a review copy of this book and started reading it right away. It did a wonderful job of returning me to the city.

Part of what appealed to me about this story was the importance placed on art, creating art and appreciating art. In the beginning of the story, Madeleine is working as a volunteer at an art museum, and she has a conversation with an art teacher who is there with her students. Full disclosure, I'm an art teacher, so this had me hooked right away. This art teacher said all the right things - all the things an art teacher is supposed to say, because it's what we believe, and why we do our jobs. Madeleine loved art when she was younger, but then she got older and set it aside as if it were a childish hobby. The art teacher tries to encourage her to return to painting if that's what she loved doing. This conversation plants a seed in Madeleine's mind.

She isn't happy with her current life. She came from a wealthy, socially influential family, and married into the same. She did it because it was what was expected of her, not what she wanted. She's never paid any attention to what she wanted.

But shortly after talking to the art teacher, and after another argument with her husband, she's on her way to a planned visit with her mother. And she decided that maybe she'll stay a while, no need to rush back home to a husband that doesn't even seem to want her around.

And while she's at her mother's house, she finds a journal belonging to her grandmother. Through this journal, she discovers a side to her grandmother that she never knew existed. Her grandmother had gone away to Paris and fallen in love with an artist.

The story moves back and forth between Madeleine coping with her current situation, as we also follow along with the adventures of her grandmother in Paris. Her grandmother's story inspires her to try to rewrite her own story, to turn it into something she wants instead of doing what everyone else expects her to do.

I loved the Paris scenes, as well as the inspiring story of Madeleine finally discovering her true passion. It's a great book. It's my current recommendation if anyone says, "I don't know what to read right now." And I know I called it the book of the summer, but it's perfectly suitable for fall or winter or whenever. As a school teacher, I become a little fixated on summer. This is not by any means strictly a beach read. It has a strong story, emotionally satisfying. Would gladly recommend this book to any of my friends.

I received a copy of this via NetGalley.

Review: Definitely Naughty by Jo Leigh

I loved this book.

The blurb that accompanies book makes is sound like some stupid story all about hipsters obsessed with social media with textspeak and hashtags. That's why I'd avoided this book. But fyi, this is not the case at all. In fact, there's even a mention of the characters not paying much attention to social media, being oblivious to memes. There's maybe one mention of the characters texting each other. So not sure what all that in the blurb is about other than a desperate attempt to attract a younger, "hipper" sort of reader. And if that's the sort of person they attracted - they probably disappointed a lot of people. No hashtags at all in this story.

Great story. Love the New York City setting.
Loved the characters so much. Aubrey is on deadline, trying to put together a *window display for a lingerie story on Broadway in New York City.  It has to be great, her career depends on it. She's overwhelmingly stressed out, steps outside and a "hot guy" trading card lands in her hand. It has been part of some sort of dating club in which friends submit photos and info of guys they trust. Aubrey is certain this is fate, a gift from the gods, sending her a muse. So she calls up the guy and arranges a date.

Liam is a police detective, someone who takes his job very seriously. At first, he thinks this is a joke - his cousin Mary had submitted his info for the card, but then promised to destroy it. Then he thinks maybe Aubrey is a little insane. But he's also very intrigued by her and very attracted to her. So he goes along with her plan.

After some crazy hot sex at his place, he can't stop thinking about her. The two begin spending more and more time together, as Aubrey continues to stress about the window display. What was supposed to be a few nights of fun, inspirational sex, begins to turn into something much more than either of them expected. This freaks Aubrey out. In her opinion, she's just a window dresser who didn't even get her college degree. She has a tendency to run when things get serious (hence the lack of a degree.) She's terrified by her feelings for Liam. He's dedicated to his work, with big plans for advancing his career and Aubrey doesn't think she fits in with those plans.

This couple is so great and so sweet and so real. I liked that Aubrey was so bold and willing to go after what she wanted, and yet was real enough to fall apart when she wasn't sure she could handle having what she wanted. And Liam, if only there were guys in the real world who were like this. Attractive, sexy, committed, feminist, completely okay with being with a strong woman and okay with letting his date - who did ask him out on the date, so completely fair - pay for the drinks and meal, not an insecure ass who constantly needs to prove his masculinity. He wants to help her anytime he notices she's upset, but also knows when to step back.

If you want a sexy, fun, holiday read, also with a nice story about a couple having to come to terms with some very real, somewhat scary feelings, I highly recommend this book.

I received a copy of this via NetGalley.

* This was my one negative issue with the story - why would a store put together a window display to be revealed the day before Christmas Eve? Most windows go up around Thanksgiving. By Christmas Eve, they're getting ready for the after Christmas clearance.

Review: Harlot by Victoria Dahl

A new book by Victoria Dahl is always cause for excitement as far as I'm concerned. This one being labeled as an erotic historical western, I was a little bit apprehensive. I do like historicals, but am not usually a fan of westerns, though I did enjoy the cowboys in her contemporary novels. And sometimes I find myself a little put off by books labeled erotica - I need a good story and some real romance in order to enjoy the steamy sex. But my worries were absolutely and completely unnecessary.

This book is so good. The story, the romance, the tough heroine who refuses to be a victim. Very good stuff.

The title and the description of the book are a little misleading. I mention this only because it almost scared me off. I was picturing some sassy, tough as nails whore, a Miss Kitty sort of character who was now an expert in all things sex-related. I'm not saying that would be a bad thing, but maybe not the type of story I would want to read.

Jessica isn't running a whore house nor is she a working whore. She had to do something in order to survive - but it isn't like she took it on as a profession. I don't think I'm giving anything away by mentioning that. While Jessica's former boyfriend thinks this is the case, it's pretty clear from the beginning that it isn't.

But nonetheless, Jessica feels guilty about what she did. She feels like nothing more than a whore. She can't show her face in town and everyone talks about her. And when Caleb, the only man she's ever loved returns, he's disgusted by the stories about her and furious that she didn't wait for him. He shows up at her home, angry with her, and in an attempt to punish her, offers her money in exchange for sex.

Because she's desperate and in need of money, and knows that she at least doesn't have to be afraid of Caleb, she takes him up on the offer. Also, there's part of her that wants to know what it would be like to be with him. She spent so much of her life imagining that someday she'd share a bed with him as his wife, but now she believes that chance is gone, so she may as well take what she can get.

What makes this story stand out as something much more than erotica, and makes it something I love, is the way Dahl handles the emotions and thoughts facing Jessica. She's conflicted because in a way she enjoys the sex she's having with Caleb, even if he did pay for it. On the other hand, she's furious with him for treating her as a whore when all she did was survive when placed in a position in which she felt she had no alternative.

Even better than the dirty/hot sex happening in this book is Jessica confronting Caleb about his opinions of her. While, sure, this is erotica and the sex is wow, for me, this is more importantly a story about a woman who is tired of people - especially people she thought she could trust - treating her like she's worthless and finally having the courage to demand that she get the respect she deserves.

Really good story. Liked it a lot. Highly recommend.

I received a copy of this via NetGalley.

Review: Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision to Not Have Kids by Meghan Daum

A couple of weeks ago, I read one of the essays included in this book in the New York Times.  As someone who has made the decision to not have children, I very much enjoyed the essay and could relate to much of what the author said.  I was happy to discover it was part of a book with other essays on the same topic.

This is a collection of very well-written, thoughtful essays about why each of these people chose to not become parents.  I started reading this, and read through several of the essays in one sitting.  However, then I got to a very boring essay, all about statistics and the decline of white people.  I had to pick up the book three different times before I made it through that one essay.  I'd have to check to see who wrote it, but I feel like the book would have been much more enjoyable had that essay not been included.  The author focused on statistics and other people whereas the other essays in the book were very personal and reflective - not weighed down by facts.  I wasn't in search of a textbook.

The goal of the essays is to show that despite what most people think, choosing to not be a parent is rarely a selfish or shallow decision.  We have our reasons.  Some are well thought out decisions, while others have always known parenthood wasn't the right path.  Most of the writers told stories to which I and I suspect anyone who has made the same decisions - could easily relate.  Their choices were varied, some based on wanting to put a priority on their careers, they feared repeating the mistakes of their parents and reliving their bad childhoods, they didn't want to pass on their depression, or were afraid their depression would severely affect their ability to be a parent, or they simply enjoyed their lives too much to disrupt it with a child, or simply, they waited too long.  I liked that most of them addressed things like the possibility of regret.  But as one writer said, we all have regrets, such not having children will probably be one of those regrets - but that wasn't a strong enough reason to have a child you weren't sure you wanted.

Even the essays to which I couldn't relate, I found to be interesting.

Mostly, as I read the book, I had this strong feeling of "these are my people."  Anyone who doesn't have children - especially women, but I'm sure also men - is constantly being expected to explain why they don't have children and then justify their reasons.  Mostly I get this from strangers or casual acquaintances.   Anyone who knows me understands well why I don't have children.  I like my life.  I like my lack of responsibilities.  I like being able to sleep in, or take long trips during the summer and change up my plans while in the middle of the trip.  I like taking last minute weekend trips, and being able to spend absurd amounts of money on concert tickets.  I like being able to do whatever I want without having to consider how this might affect someone else.

But also, some of the things my friends may not realize, as many of the writers mentioned, I worried that having a child consume my whole life.  I noticed this whenever I was in relationships, the things I cared about were set aside and my lover became everything - not because it was ever asked of me but rather because that's how my mind worked.  I'm an extremist.  I don't know how to do anything halfway.  I notice this with my job and it frightens me.  If I'd had a child, it would have become my entire life and I like my life too much to give up all the other things I enjoy about it.

And yet, another of the essays pointed out something I've lamented for years.  I've often said that I wish I'd gotten married and had a few kids - not because that seems like a good life, in fact, to me, it seems like a horrible life - but rather because then I would have a valid excuse for not having become a successful writer or artist.  How nice to say, "Oh, I could have written my novels or painted my masterpiece, but I fell in love and had these babies," and everyone would nod knowingly.  Now though, my only excuse is that for much of my adult life, my bouts of depression have forced me to spend most of my free time curled up in front of the TV, unable to do anything else.  That kind of answer is horrifying and a quick way to lose friends.

Overall, I really liked the book because it said things I've said to people for years.  Rarely did anyone understand.  But now it's in writing and I know that someone else does understand how I feel about this topic.  Also, I feel this would be a good book for people who are so baffled by those of us who have made this choice to not have children.  Maybe these essays would explain something that seems so odd to them.  But then again, probably not.  They would just claim the writers are being defensive, at least that's what I always get told when I try to explain my decision to people who chose something different.  We're constantly bombarded with stories about why having children is the greatest thing ever, would it really be so awful to try and understand why some of us think not having children is also kind of great?

I received a review copy of this via NetGalley.